i am a childless person and i've felt moved to spend time with new mothers in my extended family - and their kids '
part of this feels like it's bc many of my ancestors lived in avuncular families (basically children were taken care of by their matrilineal uncles moreso than their fathers) '
but yeh, in general what i'm taking away from it is the extent to which our societies have been structured around the labor of childless people and giving those people reasons to continue laboring ' and the extent to which they've retracted from being structured around parents and children and old people '
Thank you so much for this! As someone without children, it's really, really helpful to have a window into your world. I realise how insensitive I have been, simply because I had no idea. I look forward to being much more inclusive and welcoming!
Thank you Anna-Marie! I hadn't thought about these things before having children myself, I remember thinking some of my old coworkers must not like me cause they never wanted to go out and bond over cocktails... Only now I can see their reasons might have been very different. So good to hear you found this helpful :)
I think fathers go through a simalar process, although they usually stay at work, which allows them to keep some time with adults.
I must say that being in a religious community/city in Israel makes this much better. Everyone has kids. No weddings or parties without kids. (not so many parties Tbh) However, homeschooling creates a rift between us and schooling families.
Yes, I can see the priorities changing for men as they become fathers too, they might seek more stability to provide for their families or turn down exciting job offers if that would mean spending more time at work. However, they don't seem to question their entire career path as often as the moms I know do.
I can definitely see how a religious community can help bring people and their families together. Before having kids I thought of myself as spiritual but not religious, now I realized how hard it is to take care of my children's spiritual needs without a community like this. I'll need to write more on that topic at some point.
it's not so much that parents are fundamentally different from non-parents -- it's a real logistical challenge that people don't appreciate until they've been through it!
I was lucky, in that I got to spend time with/around my sister's kids before I got married. Seeing the chaos and struggle secondhand helped me see and prepare for it, and more importantly calibrate my expectations.
Now when I see people "further ahead" than me on life's journey I can see their struggles and think "that might be me in a decade or two". Makes it much easier to empathise, and to switch from trying to give advice to taking it instead if they have any to offer.
mmm thanks for publishing and writing this '
i am a childless person and i've felt moved to spend time with new mothers in my extended family - and their kids '
part of this feels like it's bc many of my ancestors lived in avuncular families (basically children were taken care of by their matrilineal uncles moreso than their fathers) '
but yeh, in general what i'm taking away from it is the extent to which our societies have been structured around the labor of childless people and giving those people reasons to continue laboring ' and the extent to which they've retracted from being structured around parents and children and old people '
Thank you so much for this! As someone without children, it's really, really helpful to have a window into your world. I realise how insensitive I have been, simply because I had no idea. I look forward to being much more inclusive and welcoming!
Thank you Anna-Marie! I hadn't thought about these things before having children myself, I remember thinking some of my old coworkers must not like me cause they never wanted to go out and bond over cocktails... Only now I can see their reasons might have been very different. So good to hear you found this helpful :)
I think fathers go through a simalar process, although they usually stay at work, which allows them to keep some time with adults.
I must say that being in a religious community/city in Israel makes this much better. Everyone has kids. No weddings or parties without kids. (not so many parties Tbh) However, homeschooling creates a rift between us and schooling families.
Yes, I can see the priorities changing for men as they become fathers too, they might seek more stability to provide for their families or turn down exciting job offers if that would mean spending more time at work. However, they don't seem to question their entire career path as often as the moms I know do.
I can definitely see how a religious community can help bring people and their families together. Before having kids I thought of myself as spiritual but not religious, now I realized how hard it is to take care of my children's spiritual needs without a community like this. I'll need to write more on that topic at some point.
yes this.
it's not so much that parents are fundamentally different from non-parents -- it's a real logistical challenge that people don't appreciate until they've been through it!
I was lucky, in that I got to spend time with/around my sister's kids before I got married. Seeing the chaos and struggle secondhand helped me see and prepare for it, and more importantly calibrate my expectations.
Now when I see people "further ahead" than me on life's journey I can see their struggles and think "that might be me in a decade or two". Makes it much easier to empathise, and to switch from trying to give advice to taking it instead if they have any to offer.