Are Children Toxic Company?
Is someone you know a toxic presence in your life? A quick Google search will give you plenty of resources to help you identify a toxic relationship. Here are a few examples from the first article that I found1:
Lack of support (“you might get the impression that your needs and interests don’t matter”)
Ignoring your needs (“going along with whatever your partner wants to do, even when it goes against your wishes, is a sure sign of toxicity”)
Constant stress (“finding yourself constantly on edge is a key indicator that something’s off”)
Lost relationships (“you’ve stopped spending time with friends and family”)
Lack of self-care (“you might withdraw from hobbies you once loved, neglect your health, and sacrifice your free time”).
Nothing very surprising here, right? Until you start to wonder.
How does that apply to little kids?
Don’t get me wrong, if a friend told me she stopped seeing her friends, had to give up on her hobbies, and feels stressed and exhausted all the time since she moved in with her husband, I’d definitely ask her to reflect on her needs and boundaries and how she can communicate them better. But if she told me this all happened since she had a baby - well, this is exactly what happens! And it won’t go away after just a month or two. Most moms tell me they could only actually relax when their kids were fully weaned, out of diapers, and in daycare.
You might think, of course children are different, that’s why you really need to make sure you are capable of handling them before having one. I thought so too before I had a kid. But then you realize, someone screaming in your ear after you haven’t slept for three nights isn’t that much easier to deal with when that someone is 3 vs 30 years old. You really need superhuman powers to handle it with calm and grace. If only people with superhuman powers had children, humanity would soon go extinct.
Raising kids is hard and stressful
It’s beautiful too, in ways I couldn’t have imagined, but it does require a lot of willpower and energy. Before my daughter was born, I was often exhausted after spending a few hours with my friends’ toddlers. Then I came back home to rest, and my friends came back home to feed these toddlers, put them to bed, then wake up at night again. I often wondered how they did that. Now I know they just had no other choice.
But now I also see that having other people in my daughter’s life that she loves and enjoys spending time with makes a huge difference. Having just a few hours to recover can often do wonders for a tired parent. We were never meant to do it all alone.
Kids aren’t toxic. They’re just childish
They’re fully dependent on the adults in their lives, and unable to either fulfil their own needs or communicate them in a mature way. This is completely normal, expected, and a natural part of life.
Adults expressing the same behaviors aren’t toxic either. And unlike the kids, they already have all the brain circuits that make them capable of growing up. The more people do that, the easier it will be for them all to handle all the little kids in their lives together.
“Is Your Relationship Toxic? What to Look For” by Cindy Lamothe and Crystal Raypole https://www.healthline.com/health/toxic-relationship