You Can't Keep Your Kids Happy All the Time

My daughter recently learned the word “now”. It’s probably her favorite word, given how often she uses it these days. Whatever crosses her mind has to happen right now, laws of physics or cause and effect be damned.

Cooking together is recently more challenging than it used to, and so is grocery shopping and travel. If baby sees a potato, she wants the potato now, not after it’s been washed, peeled, boiled and cooled down enough. Offering a snack in the meantime doesn’t seem to help, and neither does inviting her to play until cooking is finished. Wasn’t she clear enough that there must be potato, right in this very moment? The same happens with a sudden need to meet grandparents, build a snowman, watch cartoons, or occasionally, fly somewhere in an airplane.

When my daughter was still a tiny baby, I read a bunch of wise parenting books on how to deal with situations like this. They all said that as absurd toddler’s frustrations may seem, it’s all a big deal from her point of view. Instead of saying that everything is okay, distracting her with a toy, or trying to calm her down, you’d better acknowledge her feelings, explain why she’s frustrated, hug and hold her for as long as she needs, until eventually she’ll come to her senses at her own time.

Now that my tiny baby can finally voice her opinion about all sorts of things, it feels like the books gave me unrealistic expectations of how dealing with an upset toddler would look like. I must have assumed that saying a certain combination of magic phrases would make all the kid’s woes go away. I thought that if I calmly and respectfully name my daughter’s feelings and then explain the whole situation and my point of view to her, in a few minutes we’ll be able to continue whatever we had planned to do, if not joyfully then at least without much resistance.

Maybe the books did actually say this. Maybe it was wishful thinking or misreading on my part. But for the first few months of my daughter’s life I was under the impression that if I do everything right, respect her feelings, take my time, and explain the reasons behind my decisions, I would never have to use force or do something against her will. I thought there’s no situation that would justify it unless someone’s life is in danger.

As it turns out, life is full of situations that aren’t necessarily dangerous, but still require doing things a kid might not want to do. Doctor’s visits need to happen at a certain hour, medicine needs to be taken at certain times of day, groceries need to be bought, dinner has to be cooked, diapers need to be changed, and all these things have to happen even if she’s not currently feeling like doing any of it. I can acknowledge her feelings as much as I want, and explain why I need to do these things rather than play with her, but it’s no magic trick that will instantly make my daughter happy. Often it makes her upset even more.

I thought if a kid can’t be calmed down or reasoned with, it’s because she’s simply not given enough attention. That if we do things her way 90% of the time, she’ll be happy for the remaining 10% when we must do something else. So far this has definitely not been the case, and the experience is very humbling to me. I’m not proud of the times I dragged her somewhere while she was protesting loudly, and I always wonder if I could have avoided that, given more time to negotiate or more rest. But when I’m only given this much time, and this much rest (and I’m probably among the moms who have the most of both!), I somehow need to get us through the day within these constraints.

Does it mean I should give up on trying to make my kid happy? Of course not, but where exactly do I draw the line? Is taking a shower while she’s crying under my door acceptable? Or leaving her with a babysitter to go on a date with my husband? How about putting her in front of a tablet so that I can finally boil that potato she’s been crying for? Is it the same as putting her in front of a tablet so that I can write this newsletter instead?

There are no perfect answers here. Parenting just like life in general is a long series of tradeoffs. All I can do is stand behind my choices, apologize when I mess up, and be honest when I make a certain choice because it’s convenient for me rather than pretending that it’s better for her this way. There’s no shame in choosing something that’s good for me even if it makes her upset. After all, parents are still people with their own needs too.