Stop Analyzing Your Feelings and Let Yourself Feel Them Instead

“Poor little doggo!” - exclaimed my husband’s mom. I just confessed to her I’m running out of ideas how to stop our dog from barking at our guests - “Someone hurt her in the past, and now she overreacts to every new person she meets. Too bad we can’t send her to psychotherapy or talk with her about her feelings, she has no choice but to react this way.”

Or does she? She’s already much calmer and more emotionally stable than she was when we adopted her. She hardly ever barks at other dogs when we’re walking outside, even the energetic husky puppies she held some grudge against. Some of our neighbors couldn’t believe it’s the same dog we’ve had since the beginning of the pandemic. Yes, we still have a lot to work on, but she’s made incredible progress, and there’s no reason why she wouldn’t solve even more problems still.

If our dog didn’t sort this out through talking about her feelings, then how exactly does she do that? Well, obviously she wouldn’t tell me so the best I can do is guess. From what I’ve seen so far, the most important thing is how I myself react in situations she doesn’t feel certain about. If I get nervous when we pass another dog on our walk there is very high chance that she will get nervous too. Me feeling stressed clearly means there must be something worth getting stressed about!

So even if I’m indeed worried how my dog will react and what will be the other dog owner’s response to this, I do my best to remain calm and grounded. I might say something like: “Look, there’s another nice and friendly doggo! How awesome is that? Let’s move to the side and walk calmly in the opposite direction, shall we?”. As long as I genuinely believe my dog is capable of doing this, there is very high chance that she will believe in it too (and get a delicious reward!). Repeat that a hundred or a thousand times, and a new habit slowly begins to replace her previous knee-jerk reactions. No talk therapy necessary.

Dog training is the most intense part of our emotional work, but I’ve noticed the bulk of it happens in our downtime. Whenever given a chance, the doggo will choose experiences that help her relax and calm down. Last year she spent a week with us on a yoga retreat, and to everyone’s surprise she came with me to every single morning practice. She skipped nearly all of her upward or downward dogs and mostly lied on a blanket next to my yoga mat, but even just absorbing the energy of our practice did wonders to her. By the end of the retreat she’d let our daughter lie on her while I was taking the cutest photos, something I’d never imagine possible before. When I do yoga at home, she usually comes to assist me there too.

I recently discovered my dog is also a huge fan of music. I never knew this was the case, cause she didn’t seem to care much about the songs I play on Spotify. But whenever I grab my guitar she’ll jump on the couch, curl up in a ball right beside me, close her eyes, and let the music take her through some unknown dreamscapes. If she especially likes a certain song, she’ll even lean her back on my guitar, so that the vibrations resonate with her body even more.

Touch and physical activity do wonders for her emotional regulation too. My dog loves gentle massage and belly rubs, and will often come asking for them. When she’s too nervous and agitated to lay down and let me sing or massage her, running and jumping around in circles can help her let go of all that excess energy, and so does the game of tug. No matter how anxious she might be, getting physically exhausted is always a good valve for at least some of that anxiety.

None of the things I’ve listed here will solve the root cause of her traumas. I don’t know what exactly happened in her past and probably never will. I still try to guess what kind of experiences she must have dealt with for the first 5 years of her life so that I can understand her better, but that’s mostly because I relate in this way to my own emotions too. My dog has no need for analyzing her feelings or explaining them away. All she needs is feeling safe and secure now, until she believes this is how her life is going to look like moving forward.

And the more time we spend together, the more I learn to stop analyzing my own feelings, stay present and aware of my own body, pay attention to what’s shifting inside, and shake it off whenever that’s needed. I’ve never attended talk therapy, but I still mostly processed my feelings through words, blogging, Tweeting, and especially journaling. I’ve spent much more time writing about my feelings than actually letting myself feel them even a little bit.

Rewriting my story did have its role and benefits. I wouldn’t be who I am if I didn’t look at my life history with fresh eyes and choose how I want to interpret whatever happened. Instead of seeing myself as a helpless victim, I could choose to create my own happy ending.

But there’s only so much I can access through my head alone, so these days I hardly journal anymore. Instead I’ll sing, dance or play my drum, build a LEGO playground with my daughter, walk in a park, run with my dog, cook, tidy up, crochet a poncho, get a massage, massage myself, do yoga, or meticulously apply body lotion. These things won’t give me new interpretations of my feelings, but I think I’ve had plenty of these already. It’s high time to let myself actually feel whatever is coming up, and shake it off.