Let There Be Light

We don’t nearly get enough sunlight at this time of year. Some people don’t seem to be bothered by this too much. Me, I get enveloped in darkness, it pierces my soul and reminds me of all the times I was in the seventh circle of hell and digging deeper. These times are long gone, thankfully, but I can’t help thinking how facing the dark is going to turn out for my sweet little baby girl. I’m lucky there’s still a few more years for me to prepare before she enters the trials of adolescence.

I’ve been sluggish, exhausted, and easily irritated for a better part of the last two months. Baby boy wakes up way too often at night, and so do I. I logged out of Twitter for the whole December so that I don’t use it to distract myself and numb all these feelings, and then had to do the same with Facebook and eventually Substack too. If I could, I’d spend the whole month under a blanket, drinking cacao and reading books, but I have two little children so instead I put on the best smile I can muster and carry on.

This is the first Christmas we’ve spent with just the 4 of us (plus our dog and type A flu). We’d had other plans, but the flu forced us to reconsider. In theory I always knew that Christmas magic doesn’t just happen but has to be proactively created, but never before it was completely up to my husband and I. If we didn’t make it happen no matter the circumstances, it just wouldn’t happen. It turned out lovely, and I hope our daughter will look back to it as fondly as I already do (baby boy probably won’t, but maybe he’ll at least carry some warm and fuzzy feelings in his heart).

I often think about Eden this days. I kinda signed up for it, having my children named Adam and Eve. I half-jokingly tell people that’s because life with them is like a paradise. What I never mentioned, and should have, is that since I’m the mother, maintaining that paradise is mostly up to me and my spouse. Becoming a parent means you can enter the Garden of Eden once again, but you’re the gardener this time. Whatever grows inside of that garden depends in a large part on you.

But also, it does not. If even God could not prevent His children from facing the dark, how could possibly anyone? All I can do is try to be the light that shines into all these darkest corners, to meet them right there at the bottom without getting offended, trying to fix them, or freaking out. Like this girl who only managed to get rid of demons when she started bombarding them with love. So much easier said than done, but recently I’ve started following some moms that got me believing it’s possible at all. For now, creating a festive mood out of nothing when I’d rather sleep through the whole month seems like a decent first step.

And as we’re celebrating the triumph of light over darkness, and New Year’s fireworks are lighting up the midnight sky, this is the intention I want to carry into 2025. This year, I want to become the light and carry it with me at all times not just for my children, but for everyone I meet on my way.

I’m leaving you with a wonderful reflection around similar themes that I’ve read in the past week.

The weird Christmas story we forget about

Let there be light ❤️