If You Could Give Your Child Everything She Wanted, Why Wouldn't You?

My daughter had a hard time going to bed yesterday. Her favorite pajamas were dirty, and the other two options weren’t satisfactory enough. “There are stars on the pajamas, but there is no Moon! The Moon has to be!”. She never had a pair with the Moon on them, but I do have one, and that’s probably where she got this idea. The Moon had to be, and it had to be right then, and it took us almost an hour before she agreed to get dressed and finally go to sleep.

We have more and more situations like this recently, as my baby girl is getting better at communicating her needs. She only just discovered that she can have things her way and is delighted to put that skill to use. Last week she asked me to “make a red soup with many potatoes”. This morning she wanted to “read the book about the good dog” and “solve the puzzle with the yellow bus”. She never cared much about what clothes she’s wearing, but now she’s putting together whole outfits by herself, and learning that not all of the things she might want to wear are available at all times.

On most days my daughter graciously deals with not having all her wishes fulfilled. But every now and then it all becomes too much. The yellow hoodie, or pink socks with a dog on them just have to be, and when they aren’t, there’s sadness, anger, or disappointment. Being a toddler isn’t easy at all.

As a kid I’d often hear “don’t make a fuss!” when I got upset in situations like this. I got to believe I’m a bad person for either wanting those things, or for getting upset when I didn’t get them. I’d love my daughter to know that her emotions matter, that she never has to hide her true feelings from me or pretend to be someone else so that she can earn my approval. At the same time… I honestly don’t think wearing blue socks when the pink ones aren’t available is that much of a big deal. Should I think that it’s a big deal or act like it’s the case? Will she feel unheard or unaccepted otherwise?

I know this is just the beginning. The older my daughter gets, the more elaborate her needs, wants and desires will get. When I was in school all the cool kids wore the same clothes and played with the same trendy toys. I couldn’t afford any of the cool kids stuff, and at that time I thought not having these things was what kept me excluded. Now I can see the whole deal was much more complicated than this.

It’s hard enough for me, a grown up woman who never had a shopping habit, to scroll past some of the beautiful handmade clothes in my Facebook feed. Even if I remind myself I don’t need any of this, there are always many more as I scroll down. What chances does a tiny kid possibly have against the wild world of advertising? How many new shiny things will scream for her attention as she begins to explore the world?

Growing up I couldn’t afford most of the things I wanted, so I got to believe it’s dumb to want them anyway. Only dumb and shallow girls care about stuff like this, or so I thought. I felt like I was better than them for not playing with girly toys or not wearing trendy clothes. Were these my thoughts really, or did someone else make me believe it? Will I make my daughter believe similar stuff, even unknowingly? I’m still trying to figure out who I am when I’m not trying to impress anyone and I’d love her to have this trust in her wants and preferences early on.

Is it possible to validate my daughter’s feelings without giving in to her every wish? She asked me about the Moon pajamas on three different occasions already, and I can clearly see she cares about it a lot. I’d be happy to buy these for her, I just can’t seem to find anything like it online. How many more times can I say “I hear you, you’re disappointed because you wanted a Moon on your pajamas, and these only have stars on them” before it sounds dishonest? She didn’t seem convinced when I told her this again the last night.

What if the next thing she wants is an indoor slide or some elaborate construction that won’t fit inside our apartment? Or something I just don’t want to spend that much money on? So far she’s mostly asking for simple things like a small ball, a bunch of grapes, or an ice-cream, so I buy these without hesitation, but I know she’ll eventually ask for a dollhouse or a pony at some point. I used to think that if I can afford to buy something that makes my child happy, I should do it. I’m just no longer sure if it will really make her happy in the long term.

For now, I’m trying to reconcile with my own wildest desires without either judging them or acting on them immediately. I’m resisting the urge to buy that shiny gold and purple leather backpack that looks like everything I’ve always wanted and might be sold out soon. I’ve happily lived without that backpack for so many years, so a few more weeks or months won’t hurt me. It’s fine to want that backpack and it’s fine not to have it. It’s fine to care about such stuff and it’s fine to resist the urge to buy it. Maybe if I get really comfortable with these thoughts, it will make my daughter a bit more comfortable too.