If I Had That Baby, You Wouldn't Be Here

When my youngest brother was born, I found something odd in his hospital papers. “Mom, here it says this was your sixth pregnancy… How come, given there’s only five of us?”.

“I was pregnant before, but it ended in a miscarriage” - my mom replied - “But maybe it turned out for the better? If I had that baby you wouldn’t be here. Only because of that miscarriage I could get pregnant with you later. My due date was 6 months before you were born.”

That was a lot to handle for a 11 year old. Would my mom prefer that first kid to be born? Was she happy to have me instead of that other child? Did she wish things unfolded differently? And most importantly, was I guilty of killing that baby in some way? One thing was certain, my dad wasn’t happy we ever had this conversation. He probably still prefers I don’t talk about it at all.

Is there any sensible way to answer this kind of questions? I don’t know, but maybe I should start looking for an answer soon. One day my baby girl will find out I too was pregnant before her, and is likely to ask herself the same questions as I did.

My situation was different, I chose to end that pregnancy myself. If I saw any other way out of the situation I found myself in, I would have chosen that way. But I didn’t, all I knew was that I was still a scared and lonely child myself, all alone on a strange continent and completely unable to take care of an actual kid.

Would I rise to the occasion, had I chosen differently? I know there are single moms who find that kind of strength in them. But it’s almost certain that if I raised that baby I wouldn’t have my daughter now. My due date was around the time my husband and I started dating.

It’s unfair to compare these two situations. My mom prayed for that kid to be born well and healthy, just like she later prayed for the rest of us. If she could, she would have raised that kid with the same love and dedication that she had for all of her children, only then I wouldn’t be here, my daughter wouldn’t be here.

How is it like not to exist at all? For every child ever born, there are billions of other possible children that could have existed in their place. We can’t choose our children any more than we choose the time and the family we are born in. If things unfolded just a little bit differently there would be different people here, but not us.

My family history spans across millions of years. Most children ever alive never made it until adulthood. For every one of my ancestors who managed to pass their genes on, there was one or more of their siblings who died as a tiny child. If the roles were reversed in just a single case out of thousands, I wouldn’t be here, my daughter wouldn’t be here.

It’s a miracle that anyone exists at all. The odds of any of us existing are so infinitely small. Is there a reason I was born on this planet instead of that other kid? Can the same be said about my baby girl?

I don’t trust anyone who says they know this for sure. It’s a mystery that escapes any logical explanation. All I can say is: I don’t know why exactly things unfolded that way. I’m just infinitely grateful that I get to be here with you.