Abandon All Expectations Ye Who Enter Here

I was so looking forward to teaching the JavaScript workshop again. We ran these a few times before the pandemic, and they always had me uplifted and energized. It’s so satisfying to watch that spark in someone’s eye light up the first time they figure out how typing some words allows them to shape reality. The world would be a much better place if everyone had a chance to experience this early on.

My friends organized this workshop many weeks in advance, with sponsors, a whole recruitment process, and multiple candidates for every spot. I volunteered to teach it still back in November, thinking it should be easy now that I don’t have a job. For months I was on Zoom outside of our daycare hours many times every week, surely it should be doable to take just one day away from my kid in a whole month?

Unfortunately it wasn’t doable, at least not this time. I had to cancel at the last minute again. My daughter was too sick and miserable to leave her with a nanny for 9 hours - and to be fair I was feeling a bit sick myself too. I could have pushed through it anyway like I did many times before, but given the choice between disappointing my kid and disappointing the rest of our crew I chose the latter this time. One of my friends agreed to cover the training for me, but no one else could really cover just being there for my child.

My husband says the worst thing you can do as a parent is having expectations. Don’t get me wrong, wonderful things can and will happen every day when you’re with your kid. You just can’t be too precious about which particular things will get done at what particular time. If you become attached to your plans, you’re setting yourself up for a disappointment.

There were many plans I had to abandon at the last minute; from playdates to yoga classes to parties to family visits. Sometimes even taking a shower in peace is too much to ask for, and that’s usually when you need that peaceful shower the most. But normally I’m the only one affected by having to cancel my plans, and this time I had to let a few other people down too.

Or did I? There are so many single moms out there, many of them with more than one kid or working multiple jobs. Their kids are as likely to get sick as mine does, and they’re all somehow dealing with that. Did I really have to cancel everything to be at home with my daughter? And if I didn’t, what does this say about me and about how reliable and trustworthy I am?

These questions pop up in my mind now that I’m falling behind with this newsletter too. It felt good and sustainable to publish every weekday for two months without fail, until we ended up at my parents’ place while everyone was sick. After three days of pushing myself to write at the most unreasonable hours I found myself completely unable to even look at my computer the next morning. I’ve had my hands full of other things to do around the house anyway, and not too much attention or willpower to spare.

I thought that out of all the possible things I could do with my time, writing a daily newsletter should be doable without having to compromise on my daughter’s happiness. This is still such a tiny commitment compared with what most people do. I know moms who conduct serious research projects, manage large teams, run a homestead, or teach college classes, all this while raising 3 or 5 kids and possibly also homeschooling them. In the meantime I’m here with just one daughter, feeling proud of myself when my whole life isn’t falling apart after a few days sick at home. Am I crazy incompetent, or are they all superheroes?

But maybe every parent looks like a superhero from the outside. I know the 25yo me would be blown away by how functional and grounded I am these days running on so little sleep. If I had 5 kids right now instead of just one I’d find my own ways to deal with that too, just like my parents did, and their parents, and theirs.

Given the choice, I prefer to err on the side of doing too little right now. My daughter will never be this young again, and I can always create more stuff later. If I build good systems for keeping my family functional and sane now, perhaps raising the next baby will be a bit less of a challenge. Writing here is a key part of building these systems and documenting the whole process, but if it eats into my precious sleep time like it does today, perhaps I should write less.

I like to think of myself as someone people can rely on, and it hurts me that right now they can’t rely on me as much as I would like, but my most important job now is taking care of my family. Once I figure out how to reliably do it even when we’re sick, I can hopefully expand my sphere of influence and obligations ever more.